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In George Rekers' Family Building, Nick Stinnett, Ph.D. points out characteristics
of strong families. In all of the studies, one criterion for being included in
the sample of strong families was that the families had to rate themselves very
high in terms of marriage happiness and in terms of their satisfaction in parent-child
relationships. These families were asked a battery of questions regarding human
relationship patterns within the family, including: How do you deal with conflict?
How do you communicate? Do you experience power struggles? Included in the study
were strong families from black, white, and other ethnic backgrounds as well
as strong single-parent families. In this family strengths research project,
families from South America, Switzerland, Austria, Germany and South Africa were
studied. In the 3,000 families studied, the final analysis found six main qualities
in strong families.
Strong Families:
1. are committed to the family
2. spend time together
3. have good family communication
4. express appreciation to each other
5. have a spiritual commitment
6. are able to solve problems in a crisis
Daily life has its share of challenges and difficulties for everyone. The
home should be a place where family members feel safe, secure, and happy. Walking
in the door, especially after a difficult day, should feel like coming inside
after being exposed to a rainstorm and cold winds. A couple can become stronger
and able to weather tough times together in their relationship if there is an
atmosphere of affirmation and love. Even when it is difficult to understand one
another, it's important to validate or confirm each other's feelings. Feelings
are not necessarily right or wrong. They are often based on perception and are
authentic to the person experiencing them. Validation shows interest and tells
your spouse that he or she is important, even if you don't understand the feelings
being expressed.
Statements of closeness and caring reinforce love and commitment to one another
and provide emotional stability in the relationship. Both verbal and physical
statements of love are necessary to nurture a relationship. Healthy doses of
non-sexual hugs and kisses promote closeness, as do verbal statements of love.
Conveying your thoughts, feelings, and the passions of your heart verbally and
physically to your spouse creates a "one-flesh" relationship. God spoke
of this relationship in Genesis 2:24: "For this reason a man will leave
his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."
Everyone needs both meaningful touch and conversation. Holding hands and giving
loving hugs are important, but words penetrate hearts and impact lives. Words
can build or destroy, and they are often a source of deep pain. Counselors' offices
are filled with people who have been deeply wounded by something that was said
to them in the past. Some people live with what feels like a dagger lodged in
their heart which causes ongoing pain and hurt.
Affirming words are vital to healthy relationships. The old adage, "Think
before you speak," is excellent advice to put into practice. Learn to control
your tongue and emotions. Don't simply say the first thing that comes to your
mind. Developing a habit of using affirming words to one another and wanting
the best for one another is a powerful tool for increasing intimacy and understanding.
The secret lies in affirming one another each day. Let go of angry outbursts
and practice forgiveness. Handling today with words of affirmation will brighten
your tomorrow.
It is important that your spouse feels your love. Although hearing the words "I
love you" are vital to any love relationship, so are actions. There are
many ways to show your love for your spouse. Make a commitment to find out your
spouse's needs and those things that say "I love you" to him or her.
Helping in the home or on projects may communicate volumes to some people. Others
may need thoughtful mementoes such as notes or gifts. Individuals are unique
with specific needs. However, everyone needs words of affirmation, kindness,
encouragement, and statements of love. Praying for one another also shows support
and affirmation. James implies that in many cases the healing process comes about
when we share with and pray for one another (James 5:16).
Connecting Point:
• Keep your relationship with God in first place.
• Remember that your words can either heal or hurt your relationship.
• Be completely committed to growing together and affirming one another.
• Practice keeping your tongue under control.
• Make "thinking first" a habit.
• Stop any harsh, thoughtless talk.
• Willingly sacrifice some of your own desires to serve your spouse.
• Often jot down things you appreciate about your spouse and present them
to him/her.
• Speak tender, loving words.
• Hug and kiss often.
• Become skillful at knowing your spouse's needs.
• Give a gift of your time to your spouse.
• Look for creative ways to show your husband or wife that you cherish your
relationship.
• Pray together regularly.
• Play together regularly.
• Do something special for your spouse.
• Make phone contact often just to say you are thinking of one another.
• Realize that married life does have difficult times; commit to work together.
• Stand up for one another.
• Don't ridicule or use sarcasm.
• Be sensitive and thoughtful.
• Love, even when it seems difficult.
• Accept one another. |
