Why does God's gift of marriage include such opposing states for those who know and love Him? One reason is that we live in a fallen world, our legacy from Adam. Perhaps we will look at the consequences of the disobedience of Adam and Eve in an future article, and consider how-Adam's legacy affects our relationships today. However, apart from our fallen condition, developing intimacy is often difficult. Why?
For starters, each bride and groom comes from a different family of origin. Each nuclear family has contributed its own traditions, relating patterns, and character development. Thinking about what to keep, what to throw out, and what to combine into the new marriage can pose some sticky questions and conflicts. We asked the internationally known pastor, Dr. Adrian Rogers, to share some insights on how differences affect our ability to communicate. He said, "We need, first of all, just to accept ourselves, and accept one another. Most women need to understand that their husbands will never ever be what they want him to be, this romanticist, this touchy-feely type guy, but he can do better. And she will never be exactly what he wants, but she can do better. Somewhere we have to meet in the middle, and yet respect the differences that we have."
Temperament differences also interfere with intimacy. During courtship, many couples see personality differences as attractive. They appreciate the way their personalities complement each other, but after the wedding, those same differences may grate on their nerves. Men and women tend to have different priorities, different needs, and tend to speak different languages of love. It is no wonder that so many couples agonize in the very relationship where they expected to enjoy intimacy, often finding little hope for improvement. The more we understand how God made each of us to be unique individuals, the more we can appreciate our personality and gender differences and use them positively in our marriage.
Over many years of counseling couples, we have seen a pattern emerge. Husbands and wives seem to long for their mates to give them what God freely gives. They want:

A Committment of Unconditional Love

Commitment is the most fundamental issue in marriage. Not simply a commitment to "stick-to-it" through hard times (though this is vital) but a commitment characterized by dedication to the relationship. Dedication is a commitment to marriage as a relationship, "to honor, to cherish, to love..." Dedication reflects affection and honor in the relationship. Commitment is portrayed as dedication when we have a desire not only to continue in the relationship, but also to improve it. We know we are dedicated to a relationship when we are willing to sacrifice for it, invest in it, and seek our partner's welfare, not simply our own.
There can also be a commitment to marriage as an institution when spouses vow to remain together "'til death do us part." This commitment can be characterized as constraint when individuals are willing to stay in relationships whether or not they are dedicated.
In his book, Fighting for Your Marriage, Dr. Scott Stanley says that some couples perceive constraint commitment as a positive quality, simply because it adds a level of stability to the relationship. He also points out that sometimes people stay in marriages in which they are unhappy or abused because of constraint commitment. In our counseling experience, we see many couples whose relationship is nothing more than a pickled existence preserved in the brine of constraint.
A true and complete commitment to marriage is one that is a dual commitment to marriage as an institution (constraint) and a, relationship (dedication), and not either one or the other. As pointed out by noted author, Donald Harvey, in his book, I Love You-Talk to Me: "You measure commitment to a relation- ship by the degree to which a spouse does what is in the best interest of the relationship as opposed to what is more comfortable personally. So, if dealing with dissatisfaction is personally uncomfortable, what do you do? It depends on your level of commitment. If you are committed to your marriage as a relationship, you will deal with your spouse regarding your dissatisfaction, despite your personal discomfort. If you are more committed to your level of com- fort, you will avoid it."
My wife, Jacquie, and I really like the definition of love given by one of my seminary professors, Dr. Norm Wright. This definition embodies both of these characterizations of commitment: Love is an unconditional commitment, to an imperfect person (dedication), which often requires personal sacrifice (constraint). An unconditional commitment involves a willingness to invest in the relationship even if we do not feel in love anymore. This is a commitment to do loving things even when we do not feel like it. In time, the emotions will come.
Commitment or "covenant keeping" involves both dedication and constraint. Covenant keeping in marriage reaches its intended heights as it be-comes more centered on dedication. In some relationships, increasing our level of dedication to our partner will not make much appreciable difference. The other person does not automatically change just because we changed. Yet by doing so, we increase the potential for our partner's positive response to our dedication.

Sharing Joys and Sorrows

I'm not exactly the most adept handyman. I remember the time when I was doing some repair work on our patio cover. Nails were scattered all over the redwood deck. Some nails were old and bent. Some were new and gleaming in the sun. Since I was the tough man, I was in my bare feet.
Observing my carelessness, Jacquie came out with a pair of old shoes and asked me to put them on. I assured her that I knew what I was doing and that I would not step on a nail. She lovingly begged me several times to protect my feet from a potentially hazardous condition. Jacquie was being gracious-not demanding. When I refused each offer, she finally let me have it my way.
The sun was beginning to set when I felt a nail pierce my foot. A loud but muffled sound came from the patio. I did not want to look at the damage, nor did I want Jacquie to know my agony. I tried to pull the nail from my foot, but it would not budge. In my moment of crisis, I screamed for Jacquie's assistance.
When Jacquie appeared, I stuck my foot in her direction and asked her to pull out the nail. She tried, but again it would not budge. Now I was angry with her because she could not give me comfort when I needed it most. I wanted her to fix the problem. In agony I screamed, "Will you just pull it out!" My verbal attack gave her an extra boost of energy. This time the nail came out! We then discovered that the nail was bent like a hook. 'It had entered the bot- tom of my foot and then pierced through the side, too. Ouch! Though I provoked her, Jacquie's compassion was unfailing. She bandaged me and comforted me without ever saying, "I told you so."
We often find ourselves on the receiving end of someone's anger, even though we were responding to his/her request for help. When a person is hurting, can we look beyond his or her anger and frustration? Can we remain calm and trust God to use us to comfort another in moments of crisis?
People feel particularly cared for when we enter into their world, especially when doing so may inconvenience us or require personal sacrifice on our part. When we realize how our Lord engaged in a deep level of involvement on our behalf, we can see the importance of being accessible to those we care about. Where did we get the idea that loving our wives as Christ loved the church would take less than we gave when we were dating? Where did we get the idea that we could work through daily struggles and family conflicts without giving more honor and consideration to each other than when we were dating?
Jesus entered life fully during His earthly ministry. He attended feasts, saved a wedding from disaster, and cooked on the beach. He gave a widow back her dead son and displayed deep grief when His friend, Lazarus, died. He celebrated when the occasion arose, and wept when sorrow came. He experienced the full range of human emotions.
Jacquie and I have found, and studies have shown, that healthy family patterns of mourning and shared emotional pain have proven to increase potentials for individual growth and development.

A Committment of Unconditional Love

To know God better, we must spend time with Him. We must invest in the relationship through spiritual disciplines such as prayer, reading His Word, Christian fellowship, etc. The same principle is true in marriage because a relationship is like a garden. If it is to flourish, it must be watered regularly. New seeds must be planted, weeds must be pulled and destructive critters exterminated.
A good relationship is where "we" is valued just as "I". In this type of relationship, each individual takes the initiative in demonstrating and communicating love. This means having an attitude that says, "I am truly fulfilled when I am being used to help you experience God's abundance in your life." Rev. E. V. Hill, from the well known Mt. Zion Baptist Church in Los Angeles, California, shared his personal perspective on this issue with me:
Rev. Hill: Number One is not to consider each other enemies. When I got married, I said, "Now I am the best friend you have and I plan to continue to be your best friend. I am going to be the person who is going to make you the most fulfilled woman and the happiest woman in the world. And you're going to make me the most fulfilled man and the happiest man in the world."
Wil: What issues tend to cause con- flict among couples?
Rev. Hill: One of the problems that causes great conflict in marriage is that couples spar off in their corners and fight one another. You hear statements like, "You haven't done this for me. I haven't gotten this out of you." When in fact, it's the other way around. It's not what I want that she's to give to me or that I'm to concentrate on. It's what she needs and what I am to give to her. Her needs are to be met. Of course, men and women have some different needs and prioritize needs differently; you have to talk that out.
Agony in marriage arises when a partner refuses to affirm and value the one whom he or she should treasure as a gift from G)d - Studies suggest that healthy family interaction and growing marriages lead the way in producing healthy functional individuals. These studies also show:
1. Healthy individuals come from families that nurture.
2. Mutual care from one another in families produces healthy individuals.
Do you remember the day of your wedding when you willingly chose to love, honor and cherish your spouse, forsaking all others, until God, by death, would separate you? By now, you have probably discovered that marriage see- saws between agony and ecstasy, between that which is less than what we hoped for and that which is far greater.
God's grace helps us to accept the drama of human life. As we grow in grace, our marriage is gradually changed as we allow the Holy Spirit to work through our discouragement and conflicts. We believe that you will not find many hopelessly distressed mar- riages when individuals follow God's pattern of giving love, conversation, personal sacrifice, and a commitment to the other's ultimate well-being.
When these needs are met, intimacy results.

Living With Purpose

On the one hand, our society tries to convince us that marriage should be a continuous positive emotional experience (ecstasy). Lyrics from that classic hit of the sixties, Our Day Will Come, by Mary Wells ("We'll always stay in love this way..."), perpetuates the myth that a happy marriage is built on positive emotional feelings.
On the other hand, when the inevitable disappointments come (agony), we think we have fallen out of love. Another classic, You've Lost That Loving Feeling, by The Righteous Brothers ("...It's gone, gone, gone, and I can't go on ... 11), beautifully illustrates the dilemma. However, marital satisfaction does not depend only on "loving feelings" (though they are important). Marital satisfaction starts with a covenant of the will. Perhaps the loving feeling is gone-gone-gone! But, as someone has wisely said, "Instead of failing into love, we may have to now march into it."
Living with purpose involves having both a positive and a realistic attitude. We are not going to eliminate agony in relationships. Yet, even our saddest experiences can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength, leading towards positive change. What matters are not our experiences of agony and ecstasy but the fact that in them we have witnessed the power of God's Spirit in our relationships.

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