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The starting place is to realize that Jesus Christ died for your sins and met
you where you were. He didn't wait to accept and forgive you when you got your
act together, But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: "While we
were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) His example is the
best pattern we can possibly follow. When Jesus was dying on the cross, He chose
to forgive, before He was asked for forgiveness. Once you have placed your faith
in Jesus Christ, it is important to thank God for His amazing unconditional love
and forgiveness. Then take a step of action to forgive those who have offended
you.
Forgiveness is the first step on the road toward healing and wholeness in a relationship.
Unforgiveness and bitterness can cause stress and stifle intimacy between a couple.
Forgiveness is a private decision of the heart to let go and place the offender
and the offenses in God's hands. All human beings make mistakes and hurt one
another. Working through forgiveness is crucial, even when it is painful. When
we choose not to forgive, we allow another person or circumstance to control
our lives.
You have the right to choose whether you will grant forgiveness or continue hanging
on to bitterness and resentment. Once you open your heart to forgive the offender,
God can help you have a change of heart toward that individual. Choosing to forgive
diminishes the anger in the heart. Unforgiveness, or the refusal to forgive,
can result in acid-like resentment which is destructive.
Forgiveness is extremely difficult when abusive behavior is involved. Although
God can empower us to forgive the offender, we must take a stand to not tolerate
continued abuse. God does not ask us to allow ourselves to be abused. At times
it may be necessary to seek help and move to a safe place.
While it is important for the offender to seek forgiveness, it is not always
possible. The person may have died or moved away. He/she may simply not realize
they have hurt you or perhaps they really just don't care. God commands us to
initiate the forgiveness process, no matter what the circumstances. God wants
to heal our damaged emotions. Through the earnest application of scriptural principles,
we can experience healing, restoration and emotional freedom. In a marriage relationship
it is vital to keep being good forgivers. This purifies and cleanses the relationship.
Continually dredging up our "history of hurts" with our mates is very
destructive. It communicates to your spouse that he/she will never change and
that you have not really forgiven or chosen to let go. It is interesting to note
that when God reminds us of history, He uses it to remind us of His unfailing
love, forgiveness and provision. He does not bring it up to condemn us. Remember
Romans 8:1: "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in
Christ Jesus... "
Six little words, when sincerely spoken, can be powerful and life changing: "I'm
sorry, will you forgive me?" When we have offended our spouses it is crucial
that we ask forgiveness--thus acknowledging and taking responsibility for our
specific offense. For instance, a wife may say, "I know that I have hurt
you. I am sorry and I want to ask you to forgive me for bringing up the past.
Let's settle this issue and get on with building our relationship." Or, "I
was wrong when I brought up the past. That wasn't fighting fair and I am truly
sorry and ask you to please forgive me." A husband may say something like
this: "Sweetheart, I'm sorry for speaking harshly to you. I was so wrong.
Will you forgive me?"
In granting forgiveness, first thank God for your spouse. Remember that he or
she is a gift from God to you. This helps soften your heart and realize you too
are not perfect and often need forgiveness as well. Then specifically forgive
your spouse. For example: "I forgive you for bringing up the past." Then,
resist giving a lecture. Two good forgivers are essential to a happy marriage.
Forgiveness does not automatically rebuild trust in someone who has deeply hurt
you. Rebuilding trust takes time, effort and positive action. Consistent, changed
behavior over time helps diminish the painful memories and establish love and
acceptance once again.
Paul did not say, "If you are filled with the Holy Spirit, you will live
peacefully with all people." What he said was, "If possible, so far
as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." (Romans 12:18 NASB) The
problem may lie with the other person. Sometimes during conflict the best solution
is to use the old phrase, "To agree to disagree agreeably."
Practical Hints: Some Common Excuses to NOT Forgive:
• The offender doesn't "deserve" forgiveness. Who does deserve
forgiveness?
• I'll forgive when I feel like it. Forgiveness is primarily a choice, not
a feeling.
• The offender hasn't asked for forgiveness. Don't wait for the offender
to ask.
• The offender hasn't "changed." What if God waited for us to
change before forgiving?
Steps Toward Forgiveness:
• Choose not to be in bondage to unforgiveness; consciously choose to
forgive.
• Pray and ask for God's grace and power to forgive. He will help you.
• Purpose to release the debt the offender owes to you.
• Don't continue to abuse the offender by using the offense as a weapon
against him.
• Continue working through the process of forgiveness, even when emotional
pain surfaces.
• Do not seek vengeance.
• Submit the consequences to God and the proper authorities.
• Replace resentfulness with thoughtful feelings of love and concern.
• Don't allow your mind to continually dwell on the issue. Stop hitting "replay."
• Be proactive in committing to times of regular, meaningful communication.
• Focus on each other's positive characteristics.
• Develop a close friendship with your spouse. |
