The conference brought together some of the top experts who work with marriage and family issues. The more than 200 presentations and workshops were primarily attended by marriage and family therapists, social workers, psychologists, clergy, attorneys, lay leaders, government employees and policy makers.
Whenever such a diverse group of experts gather from so wide a spectrum of both secular and sacred world views, one must be prepared to leave the "safety of sameness" and enter the "dangers of diversity." However, in an effort to strengthen marriages and stem the tide of divorce, Diane took on the challenge and was able to skillfully stimulate a resurgence of interest in marriage education programs and marriage initiative legislation.
Many of the presentations at the conference were based on empirical research on marriage which has enlightened our understanding of the patterns that damage relationships and the patterns that protect and preserve them. What follows are observations and insights from my conversations with Dr. Gary Smalley, Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., Dr. Scott Stanley and myself:
Dr. Scott Stanley is one of the founders of the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP), which is based on over 25 years of research. PREP was designed as a program to decrease marital distress and divorce based on an empirical analysis of risk factors, i.e.: escalation-- responding back and forth negatively, continually upping the ante; invalidation-- subtly or directly putting down the thoughts, feelings, or character of the other; withdrawal and avoidance-- an unwillingness to get into or stay with important discussions; and negative interpretations--consistently believing that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case.
When couples find themselves having trouble communicating well, the PREP program encourages them to "engage" what is called the "Speaker/Listener Technique." The technique uses ground rules, which help couples to paraphrase and stay on one subject at a time. One of the key components is learning to separate "Problem Discussion" from "Problem Solution."
I interviewed some of the leading marriage experts who shared their wisdom and strategies for successful marriages.
Wil: Obviously couples are helped when they learn to regulate conflict in a way that helps rather than hurts their relationship. But are we to understand that the Speaker/Listener Technique is an effective tool for inhibiting these destructive patterns before they erupt into major conflict?
Dr. Stanley: Yes. We have found that couples who are happy now and likely to stay that way are less prone to escalation. If they do start to escalate, they are able to stop the negative process before it erupts into a full blown, nasty fight. The Speaker/Listener Technique is a powerful way to communicate safely on difficult topics.
Wil: Research is compelling on the four things that will destroy a marriage. Yet, complaints are common in most relationships. So, is the real issue "complaints" or, the way complaints are handled?
Dr. Stanley: What is important is how couples work through conflict. In the absence of maintenance, complaint can be damaging. Of course, stopping, reducing, or never beginning to engage in any of these negative patterns is one of the most powerful things that couples can do. When couples are able to talk constructively about difficult issues, they have a sense that, "We can work it out."
Dr. Gary Smalley says that from the 50 percent of couples who don't divorce, only 25 percent of them report being satisfied with their relationship. That means 75 percent of all marriages are either divorced or unhappy!
Wil: Research findings reveal that helping to improve couple communication plays a vital role in reducing divorce. I believe your work in the area of emotional "word pictures" is a very helpful tool for helping couples.
Dr. Smalley: Word pictures help to infuse understanding when couples are trying to share their feelings. They stick in the mind and hit the emotions in such a way that makes sense--especially to a man.
Wil: Why do you believe men tend to respond more positively to word pictures?
Dr. Smalley: Word pictures work well for couples when they need to say critical things to each other that are important but difficult to discuss. If a wife feels like her husband doesn't really understand what she has said, especially when the subject has to do with emotions, it is a good idea to use a word picture. As soon as you get the emotions flowing, a man tends to remember what you have said and is more apt to respond.
Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., author of His Needs Her Needs has saved thousands of marriages from the pain of unresolved conflict and the disaster of divorce. Based on Dr. Harley's work there are several stages of a marital relationship. His book, His Needs Her Needs focuses on three of these important stages: intimacy, conflict and withdrawal. According to Dr. Harley, your marriage at this very moment is in one of these three stages.
Wil: Most couples know that a healthy marriage will flourish in an environment of admiration and affection and it will die in an environment of neglect. But what can couples do to become more intentional about practicing behaviors that promote intimacy?
Dr Harley: First of all, couples should become the source of each others greatest source of happiness by meeting each others most important emotional needs. Admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship are a few examples. As they do this they make "deposits" into each others emotional Love Bank. Secondly, they must at the same time, avoid being the source of each other's unhappiness. If you don't consciously choose not to hurt your spouse--you will hurt your spouse.
Wil: For example?
Dr Harley: Conflict is common to all marriages. And, when the irritation you feel toward your mate (or that your mate feels toward you) escalates enough-- a "Love Buster" enters. A "Love Buster" is something that causes a person to loose good feelings toward another and causes you to take on negative feelings about that person. In times of conflict, couples hurt their spouses through angry outbursts, annoying habits, disrespectful judgments, dishonesty and independent behaviors. These are only a few examples.
Wil: Granted, it is important to have our relational needs met because they make us feel loved or cared for. But what if there is a desire discrepancy.
Dr Harley: Marriage changes life from an individual sport to a team sport. Couples must learn to create a lifestyle that they both enjoy. That means you have to learn new habits. As you meet your spouse's needs, your spouse will be compelled to meet your needs, even the ones he has not met before.
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services is committed to encouraging healthy marriages through implementing marriage education programs. Plenary speaker, Dr. Wade Horn, assistant secretary for Children and Families in the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, touched upon the topic of divorce and how children are affected by it.
Diann Dawson, director of Regional Operations for The African American Healthy Marriage Initiative addressed a special dinner meeting to introduce a focused strategy for working effectively with African American communities. Some of the other esteemed experts speaking at the conference included: Dr. Howard Markman, Michele Weiner-Davis, John Gray, Dr. Lori Gordon, Dr. David Popenoe, Dr. Barbara Defoe Whitehead, Dr. John Van Epp, Chris Gersten, and Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott.
Overall, the conference was a huge success. Participants went home inspired by the practical marital knowledge and wisdom imparted to them by the presenters.
Wil Chevalier is an international speaker, writer, author, and marriage counselor with his wife Jacquie. Also, he is the founder of LifeBranch Institute International, Inc. in Laguna Hills, California.

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